Dear All,
Due to the uncharacteristically warm weather for this time of year, Hayley and Charlie are stirring from their winter hibernation earlier than usual.
Therefore I will be able to chronicle their lives once very soon. Their fat stores are dangerously low though so I must leave them to forage in peace for a week.
I have been keeping myself occupied over the last few months by attempting to break the world record for the number of consecutive naps taken in a row.
Off to have nap 3,432 now.
Monday, 3 March 2008
Tuesday, 17 July 2007
Out of sorts
I'm afraid I'm a little concerned that my friends, Hayley and Charlie are both 'out of sorts'.
Following Charlie's emergence from hiding she has developed a fondness for fruity language and is currently suspended from work having told her boss to 'sit and swivel' when asked to complete a report on the infection transfer rates of rat's urine in the outer bromley suburbs.
Hayley, meanwhile, has been attempting to learn to photosynthesise, with the false hope that this will help her not to gain any weight during her imminent move to america.
Readers, I am a little concerned.
Following Charlie's emergence from hiding she has developed a fondness for fruity language and is currently suspended from work having told her boss to 'sit and swivel' when asked to complete a report on the infection transfer rates of rat's urine in the outer bromley suburbs.
Hayley, meanwhile, has been attempting to learn to photosynthesise, with the false hope that this will help her not to gain any weight during her imminent move to america.
Readers, I am a little concerned.
Thursday, 12 July 2007
The UNCENSORED version
Dear Readers,
I have received several complaints from Charlie that I did not convey our interview in the most truthful light.
Therefore I have decided to publish the full, uncensored version for readers.
The author does not accept any responsibility for any offence caused by the remarks made by Charlie.
Fran Hi Charlie, how are you feeling that you've finally been found?
Charlie ****ing brilliant. I'm dying for a ****.
Fran Woah Charlie. Let's start this interview then, shall we? What was your most shocking childhood outfit?
Charlie Some ****ing bull**** Cher outfit my mother made me wear to some **** party.
Fran I bet you were an uncanny Cher. Next question, when was the last time you used a paperclip? and what for?
Charlie Last weekend when I was raving off my t*ts to scrape the last bit of speed from under my fingernails.
Fran What is your opinion on Cliff Richard?
Charlie Tosser. Prick. Stupid ****ing coloured-glasses wearing himbo.
Fran True. Some people have referred to hayley as "david attenborough on acid", would you say this is accurate and if not, how would you describe her?
Charlie Great ****ing t*ts.
Fran Thank you Charlie, that was most interesting if not a little out of character.
I have received several complaints from Charlie that I did not convey our interview in the most truthful light.
Therefore I have decided to publish the full, uncensored version for readers.
The author does not accept any responsibility for any offence caused by the remarks made by Charlie.
Fran Hi Charlie, how are you feeling that you've finally been found?
Charlie ****ing brilliant. I'm dying for a ****.
Fran Woah Charlie. Let's start this interview then, shall we? What was your most shocking childhood outfit?
Charlie Some ****ing bull**** Cher outfit my mother made me wear to some **** party.
Fran I bet you were an uncanny Cher. Next question, when was the last time you used a paperclip? and what for?
Charlie Last weekend when I was raving off my t*ts to scrape the last bit of speed from under my fingernails.
Fran What is your opinion on Cliff Richard?
Charlie Tosser. Prick. Stupid ****ing coloured-glasses wearing himbo.
Fran True. Some people have referred to hayley as "david attenborough on acid", would you say this is accurate and if not, how would you describe her?
Charlie Great ****ing t*ts.
Fran Thank you Charlie, that was most interesting if not a little out of character.
Wednesday, 11 July 2007
Charlie's interview..AT LAST!
As you may have realised, Charlie was found late Friday night. This is a long and very interesting story which shall be told at a later date.
Finally, we are pleased to publish the results of her first ever, all access interview.
Please note, once again, all references made to Hayley's minge have been removed.
Fran Hi Charlie, how are you feeling that you've finally been found?
Charlie Musty, yet happy.
Fran Let's start this interview then, shall we? What was your most shocking childhood outfit?
Charlie This is a difficult question for me to answer - there were just so many. Cher of course comes to mind; a lacy black bodice, fishnets and black high heels were frankly inappropriate on a 10 year old child.
Fran I bet you were an uncanny Cher. Next question, when was the last time you used a paperclip? and what for?
Charlie I used one (opened up) to get a piece of Cheerio out of my keyboard this morning. It was a triumph.
Fran What is your opinion on Cliff Richard?
Charlie Never trust a man who wears coloured glasses.
Fran True. Some people have referred to hayley as "david attenborough on acid", would you say this is accurate and if not, how would you describe her?
Charlie I think Hayley is more of an otter-obsessed Sarah Greene (in her Going Live! days)
Fran Thank you Charlie, that was very interesting, although perhaps you could have injected it with a little more humour.
NEXT WEEK: CHARLIE AND HAYLEY ANSWER THE READER'S QUESTIONS.
Finally, we are pleased to publish the results of her first ever, all access interview.
Please note, once again, all references made to Hayley's minge have been removed.
Fran Hi Charlie, how are you feeling that you've finally been found?
Charlie Musty, yet happy.
Fran Let's start this interview then, shall we? What was your most shocking childhood outfit?
Charlie This is a difficult question for me to answer - there were just so many. Cher of course comes to mind; a lacy black bodice, fishnets and black high heels were frankly inappropriate on a 10 year old child.
Fran I bet you were an uncanny Cher. Next question, when was the last time you used a paperclip? and what for?
Charlie I used one (opened up) to get a piece of Cheerio out of my keyboard this morning. It was a triumph.
Fran What is your opinion on Cliff Richard?
Charlie Never trust a man who wears coloured glasses.
Fran True. Some people have referred to hayley as "david attenborough on acid", would you say this is accurate and if not, how would you describe her?
Charlie I think Hayley is more of an otter-obsessed Sarah Greene (in her Going Live! days)
Fran Thank you Charlie, that was very interesting, although perhaps you could have injected it with a little more humour.
NEXT WEEK: CHARLIE AND HAYLEY ANSWER THE READER'S QUESTIONS.
Monday, 9 July 2007
Thrust me
Ms. C. Brick has mostly been thrusting this weekend.
Charlie, Hayley, Richie and Billy have mostly been trying to avoid being thrusted at this weekend.
Charlie, Hayley, Richie and Billy have mostly been trying to avoid being thrusted at this weekend.
Wednesday, 4 July 2007
Ping Ponged
I must first apologise for the lack of updates. My only excuse is that I superglued my two middle fingers together whilst putting the finishing touches to my model of the HMS Victory. The positioning of the walnut cleats is well-documented as the most intricate part of the assembly. The result is quite exquisite though, and I hope to auction it off to buy the ‘Martley Megaphone 600’ to help in the search for Charlie.
Hayley and Billy have been trying to keep their minds occupied since Charlie’s disappearance with copious amounts of ping pong. However, they have had to retire from the competition since Hayley’s accidental outburst after a rather poor and contentious net call. Apparently it is not considered appropriate behaviour to label the judge a ‘cockweasel’ whilst gyrating on court.
Hayley and Billy have been trying to keep their minds occupied since Charlie’s disappearance with copious amounts of ping pong. However, they have had to retire from the competition since Hayley’s accidental outburst after a rather poor and contentious net call. Apparently it is not considered appropriate behaviour to label the judge a ‘cockweasel’ whilst gyrating on court.
Friday, 29 June 2007
Latest updates
Charlie has still not been located.
Her close friend Ms. C. Brick swears that she recently saw a woman looking exactly like Charlie walking hand in hand with this man:
Ms. C. Brick believes this man to be the singer Meatloaf.
IMPORTANT: Please don’t be distressed by the comments that Charlie’s alleged kidnappers left. It was merely Richie trying to scam enough money to fly to LA to hawk his new script 'Police Academy 56: Mission to Iraq' (hilarity ensues).
Her close friend Ms. C. Brick swears that she recently saw a woman looking exactly like Charlie walking hand in hand with this man:
Ms. C. Brick believes this man to be the singer Meatloaf.
IMPORTANT: Please don’t be distressed by the comments that Charlie’s alleged kidnappers left. It was merely Richie trying to scam enough money to fly to LA to hawk his new script 'Police Academy 56: Mission to Iraq' (hilarity ensues).
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