I'm afraid I'm a little concerned that my friends, Hayley and Charlie are both 'out of sorts'.
Following Charlie's emergence from hiding she has developed a fondness for fruity language and is currently suspended from work having told her boss to 'sit and swivel' when asked to complete a report on the infection transfer rates of rat's urine in the outer bromley suburbs.
Hayley, meanwhile, has been attempting to learn to photosynthesise, with the false hope that this will help her not to gain any weight during her imminent move to america.
Readers, I am a little concerned.
Tuesday, 17 July 2007
Thursday, 12 July 2007
The UNCENSORED version
Dear Readers,
I have received several complaints from Charlie that I did not convey our interview in the most truthful light.
Therefore I have decided to publish the full, uncensored version for readers.
The author does not accept any responsibility for any offence caused by the remarks made by Charlie.
Fran Hi Charlie, how are you feeling that you've finally been found?
Charlie ****ing brilliant. I'm dying for a ****.
Fran Woah Charlie. Let's start this interview then, shall we? What was your most shocking childhood outfit?
Charlie Some ****ing bull**** Cher outfit my mother made me wear to some **** party.
Fran I bet you were an uncanny Cher. Next question, when was the last time you used a paperclip? and what for?
Charlie Last weekend when I was raving off my t*ts to scrape the last bit of speed from under my fingernails.
Fran What is your opinion on Cliff Richard?
Charlie Tosser. Prick. Stupid ****ing coloured-glasses wearing himbo.
Fran True. Some people have referred to hayley as "david attenborough on acid", would you say this is accurate and if not, how would you describe her?
Charlie Great ****ing t*ts.
Fran Thank you Charlie, that was most interesting if not a little out of character.
I have received several complaints from Charlie that I did not convey our interview in the most truthful light.
Therefore I have decided to publish the full, uncensored version for readers.
The author does not accept any responsibility for any offence caused by the remarks made by Charlie.
Fran Hi Charlie, how are you feeling that you've finally been found?
Charlie ****ing brilliant. I'm dying for a ****.
Fran Woah Charlie. Let's start this interview then, shall we? What was your most shocking childhood outfit?
Charlie Some ****ing bull**** Cher outfit my mother made me wear to some **** party.
Fran I bet you were an uncanny Cher. Next question, when was the last time you used a paperclip? and what for?
Charlie Last weekend when I was raving off my t*ts to scrape the last bit of speed from under my fingernails.
Fran What is your opinion on Cliff Richard?
Charlie Tosser. Prick. Stupid ****ing coloured-glasses wearing himbo.
Fran True. Some people have referred to hayley as "david attenborough on acid", would you say this is accurate and if not, how would you describe her?
Charlie Great ****ing t*ts.
Fran Thank you Charlie, that was most interesting if not a little out of character.
Wednesday, 11 July 2007
Charlie's interview..AT LAST!
As you may have realised, Charlie was found late Friday night. This is a long and very interesting story which shall be told at a later date.
Finally, we are pleased to publish the results of her first ever, all access interview.
Please note, once again, all references made to Hayley's minge have been removed.
Fran Hi Charlie, how are you feeling that you've finally been found?
Charlie Musty, yet happy.
Fran Let's start this interview then, shall we? What was your most shocking childhood outfit?
Charlie This is a difficult question for me to answer - there were just so many. Cher of course comes to mind; a lacy black bodice, fishnets and black high heels were frankly inappropriate on a 10 year old child.
Fran I bet you were an uncanny Cher. Next question, when was the last time you used a paperclip? and what for?
Charlie I used one (opened up) to get a piece of Cheerio out of my keyboard this morning. It was a triumph.
Fran What is your opinion on Cliff Richard?
Charlie Never trust a man who wears coloured glasses.
Fran True. Some people have referred to hayley as "david attenborough on acid", would you say this is accurate and if not, how would you describe her?
Charlie I think Hayley is more of an otter-obsessed Sarah Greene (in her Going Live! days)
Fran Thank you Charlie, that was very interesting, although perhaps you could have injected it with a little more humour.
NEXT WEEK: CHARLIE AND HAYLEY ANSWER THE READER'S QUESTIONS.
Finally, we are pleased to publish the results of her first ever, all access interview.
Please note, once again, all references made to Hayley's minge have been removed.
Fran Hi Charlie, how are you feeling that you've finally been found?
Charlie Musty, yet happy.
Fran Let's start this interview then, shall we? What was your most shocking childhood outfit?
Charlie This is a difficult question for me to answer - there were just so many. Cher of course comes to mind; a lacy black bodice, fishnets and black high heels were frankly inappropriate on a 10 year old child.
Fran I bet you were an uncanny Cher. Next question, when was the last time you used a paperclip? and what for?
Charlie I used one (opened up) to get a piece of Cheerio out of my keyboard this morning. It was a triumph.
Fran What is your opinion on Cliff Richard?
Charlie Never trust a man who wears coloured glasses.
Fran True. Some people have referred to hayley as "david attenborough on acid", would you say this is accurate and if not, how would you describe her?
Charlie I think Hayley is more of an otter-obsessed Sarah Greene (in her Going Live! days)
Fran Thank you Charlie, that was very interesting, although perhaps you could have injected it with a little more humour.
NEXT WEEK: CHARLIE AND HAYLEY ANSWER THE READER'S QUESTIONS.
Monday, 9 July 2007
Thrust me
Ms. C. Brick has mostly been thrusting this weekend.
Charlie, Hayley, Richie and Billy have mostly been trying to avoid being thrusted at this weekend.
Charlie, Hayley, Richie and Billy have mostly been trying to avoid being thrusted at this weekend.
Wednesday, 4 July 2007
Ping Ponged
I must first apologise for the lack of updates. My only excuse is that I superglued my two middle fingers together whilst putting the finishing touches to my model of the HMS Victory. The positioning of the walnut cleats is well-documented as the most intricate part of the assembly. The result is quite exquisite though, and I hope to auction it off to buy the ‘Martley Megaphone 600’ to help in the search for Charlie.
Hayley and Billy have been trying to keep their minds occupied since Charlie’s disappearance with copious amounts of ping pong. However, they have had to retire from the competition since Hayley’s accidental outburst after a rather poor and contentious net call. Apparently it is not considered appropriate behaviour to label the judge a ‘cockweasel’ whilst gyrating on court.
Hayley and Billy have been trying to keep their minds occupied since Charlie’s disappearance with copious amounts of ping pong. However, they have had to retire from the competition since Hayley’s accidental outburst after a rather poor and contentious net call. Apparently it is not considered appropriate behaviour to label the judge a ‘cockweasel’ whilst gyrating on court.
Friday, 29 June 2007
Latest updates
Charlie has still not been located.
Her close friend Ms. C. Brick swears that she recently saw a woman looking exactly like Charlie walking hand in hand with this man:
Ms. C. Brick believes this man to be the singer Meatloaf.
IMPORTANT: Please don’t be distressed by the comments that Charlie’s alleged kidnappers left. It was merely Richie trying to scam enough money to fly to LA to hawk his new script 'Police Academy 56: Mission to Iraq' (hilarity ensues).
Her close friend Ms. C. Brick swears that she recently saw a woman looking exactly like Charlie walking hand in hand with this man:
Ms. C. Brick believes this man to be the singer Meatloaf.
IMPORTANT: Please don’t be distressed by the comments that Charlie’s alleged kidnappers left. It was merely Richie trying to scam enough money to fly to LA to hawk his new script 'Police Academy 56: Mission to Iraq' (hilarity ensues).
Wednesday, 27 June 2007
Sightings
News has just reached me someone matching Charlie's description has been emitted to St. Thomas A & E with a case of severe cheese burn.
As soon as I have confirmation of the identity of this person I will let you know.
In the meantime I suggest we all say a little prayer. One can only imagine the horror that a stray piece of scolding mozzarella could cause to the Bottecellian complexion of Charlie.
As soon as I have confirmation of the identity of this person I will let you know.
In the meantime I suggest we all say a little prayer. One can only imagine the horror that a stray piece of scolding mozzarella could cause to the Bottecellian complexion of Charlie.
Tuesday, 26 June 2007
Where's Charlie?
After the hundreds of emails complaining that Charlie's interview has not yet been posted I feel the time has come to reveal the truth behind this silence.
Charlie is a member of an elite 'hide and seek' club and was last seen shimmying slowly behind the Pizza Hut on Charing Cross Road during their monthly 'Extreme Urban Hide & Seek' game.
If anyone has any news on her whereabouts please contact someone important.
Artist's impression of Charlie.
Note: she may have cut her hair or be wearing clothes
Charlie is a member of an elite 'hide and seek' club and was last seen shimmying slowly behind the Pizza Hut on Charing Cross Road during their monthly 'Extreme Urban Hide & Seek' game.
If anyone has any news on her whereabouts please contact someone important.
Artist's impression of Charlie.
Note: she may have cut her hair or be wearing clothes
Friday, 22 June 2007
Thursday, 21 June 2007
A deep and enlightening interview with Hayley
All references Hayley made to her minge have been removed by the author.
Fran: Morning Hayley
Hayley: Morning Fran
Fran: Hayley, I have a question, what was you most shocking childhood outfit?
Hayley: As you know, in my childhood I was a commited member of the cheylesmore physical culture club (CPCC / fat girl gym). In order to move my staves and clubs most effectively I would wear a high leg cut, plunge neck red leotard, white socks and white gymnastics pumps. Teamed with a neat bun. Once I had succeded in fighting off strong competition in the Novice category to win the trophy in 1991 I was upgraded to a blue leotard. (photos on request)
Fran: Interesting, so when was the last time you used a paperclip? and what for?
Hayley: Last weekend billy and I were discussing what part of his body he should have re-pierced in order to regain the memories of his youth and also make him feel more sexy as a man. I suggested the nipple but he wasnt sure. using the spare paperclip which had fallen into my bag during a heavy paperwork session at work, I fashioned a nipple ring and pinced it onto his left teat. He was very impressed with the look and has booked an appiontment at Fabio's tattoo and piercing parlour this coming week.
Fran: Interesting, so what is your opinion on cliff richard?
Hayley : Suspicious teeth. Terrible hair plugs.
Fran: Some people have referred to charlie as "a slutty mary poppins", would you say this is accurate and if not, how would you describe her?
Hayley: I tend towards favouring the description "alan partridge vs pet shop boys, a hardcore mix of leather, scotch eggs and sin". I would mention mary poppins only to emphasise the astounding nature of charlottes vocal range and pitch.
Fran: Thank you for your time Hayley.
Hayley: My pleasure
Fran: Morning Hayley
Hayley: Morning Fran
Fran: Hayley, I have a question, what was you most shocking childhood outfit?
Hayley: As you know, in my childhood I was a commited member of the cheylesmore physical culture club (CPCC / fat girl gym). In order to move my staves and clubs most effectively I would wear a high leg cut, plunge neck red leotard, white socks and white gymnastics pumps. Teamed with a neat bun. Once I had succeded in fighting off strong competition in the Novice category to win the trophy in 1991 I was upgraded to a blue leotard. (photos on request)
Fran: Interesting, so when was the last time you used a paperclip? and what for?
Hayley: Last weekend billy and I were discussing what part of his body he should have re-pierced in order to regain the memories of his youth and also make him feel more sexy as a man. I suggested the nipple but he wasnt sure. using the spare paperclip which had fallen into my bag during a heavy paperwork session at work, I fashioned a nipple ring and pinced it onto his left teat. He was very impressed with the look and has booked an appiontment at Fabio's tattoo and piercing parlour this coming week.
Fran: Interesting, so what is your opinion on cliff richard?
Hayley : Suspicious teeth. Terrible hair plugs.
Fran: Some people have referred to charlie as "a slutty mary poppins", would you say this is accurate and if not, how would you describe her?
Hayley: I tend towards favouring the description "alan partridge vs pet shop boys, a hardcore mix of leather, scotch eggs and sin". I would mention mary poppins only to emphasise the astounding nature of charlottes vocal range and pitch.
Fran: Thank you for your time Hayley.
Hayley: My pleasure
Wednesday, 20 June 2007
Hairy protest
Charlie has refused to remove any of her surplus body hair until Richie stops threatening to quit his job to become a film script writer.
Meanwhile, Ms. Brick and Hayley are near the end of a month long competition to grow as much body hair as possible. Ms. Brick's lupine roots have conferred something of an advantage.
Meanwhile, Ms. Brick and Hayley are near the end of a month long competition to grow as much body hair as possible. Ms. Brick's lupine roots have conferred something of an advantage.
Tuesday, 19 June 2007
Questions needed!
Dear Readers,
I expect some of you would like to know a little more about what makes Charlie and Hayley really tick, their thoughts on love and life and their favourite colour.
Well, you will be excited to know that Hayley and Charlie have granted me permission to a no holds barred interview with them!
Look out for the exciting transcript here later this week.
They have also agreed to answer questions from you, their loving and grateful public.
So email your burning questions to fran.humber@gmail.com
I expect some of you would like to know a little more about what makes Charlie and Hayley really tick, their thoughts on love and life and their favourite colour.
Well, you will be excited to know that Hayley and Charlie have granted me permission to a no holds barred interview with them!
Look out for the exciting transcript here later this week.
They have also agreed to answer questions from you, their loving and grateful public.
So email your burning questions to fran.humber@gmail.com
Hayley and Charlie have talent
Hayley and Charlie have been avidly watching "Britain's Got Talent", a programme that has caused mild riffs in both their relationships this last week.
They have been inspired to develop a comedy routine for the next series based on Hayley's hilarious impression of Stephen Hawking and Charlie's vocal range.
Unforunately, they have both been hit with severe writers' block and have only developed a rather poor and offensive sketch based on an opera class for people with severe learning and physical disabilities.
They have been inspired to develop a comedy routine for the next series based on Hayley's hilarious impression of Stephen Hawking and Charlie's vocal range.
Unforunately, they have both been hit with severe writers' block and have only developed a rather poor and offensive sketch based on an opera class for people with severe learning and physical disabilities.
Monday, 18 June 2007
Nightie night
In a uncharactersitic 'bad turn' last night, Richie cut a hole in Charlie's favourite nightie.
The 'bad turn' is thought to have been caused after Charlie passed a rather curt comment on his lastest screen writing
efforts. She is not convinced that a thriller based on a turtle with a taste for human toes will have the audience on the edge of their seats.
Richie has since apologised sincerely and bought Charlie a replica 1850s hand sewn nightie.
The 'bad turn' is thought to have been caused after Charlie passed a rather curt comment on his lastest screen writing
efforts. She is not convinced that a thriller based on a turtle with a taste for human toes will have the audience on the edge of their seats.
Richie has since apologised sincerely and bought Charlie a replica 1850s hand sewn nightie.
Thursday, 14 June 2007
Cereal fun
I was pretty exhausted after coordinating and executing the live blog feed on Tuesday so I spent the day relaxing by reading the back of cereal packets in my local supermarket.
Today, Hayley has informed that she has found her perfect wedding dress and hopes that a proposal is on its way as she fears that burgandy will soon be out of fashion.
Today, Hayley has informed that she has found her perfect wedding dress and hopes that a proposal is on its way as she fears that burgandy will soon be out of fashion.
Tuesday, 12 June 2007
A day in the life
Today we are going to do something very special - a live feed of updates on the progress on Charlie and Hayley's day. Apologies in advance for any technical hiccups, this is the first time this has ever been attempted, by anyone.
9.58am Charlie drinks cup of tea (milky)
10.13am Hayley dips her finger into the communal pot of honey in the staff kitchen
11.38am Charlie notices that she has a rather dubious looking stain on the front of her top. She believes it to be icing from the sticky bun she finished at 11.30am.
12.53pm Hayley dips her finger into the pot of honey for a second time but is caught by her boss.
14.12pm Charlie and Hayley have a chat over email about the merits of pop socks versus tights.
15.04pm Charlie eats 3 mini scotch eggs. Hayley eats a dead ant she found on her desk to see what it tastes like.
16.14pm Hayley sees an orange cat run across the courtyard.
16.17pm Charlie runs out of her office to look at the hot new scientist they have recently hired.
17.20pm Hayley sees a bee flying near her desk and as she ducks to avoid it, hits her forehead on her photo of David Attenborough.
17.22pm Hayley goes home with mild concussion.
18.26pm Charlie walks out of her office and finds a pear drop in her coat pocket which she promptly eats.
9.58am Charlie drinks cup of tea (milky)
10.13am Hayley dips her finger into the communal pot of honey in the staff kitchen
11.38am Charlie notices that she has a rather dubious looking stain on the front of her top. She believes it to be icing from the sticky bun she finished at 11.30am.
12.53pm Hayley dips her finger into the pot of honey for a second time but is caught by her boss.
14.12pm Charlie and Hayley have a chat over email about the merits of pop socks versus tights.
15.04pm Charlie eats 3 mini scotch eggs. Hayley eats a dead ant she found on her desk to see what it tastes like.
16.14pm Hayley sees an orange cat run across the courtyard.
16.17pm Charlie runs out of her office to look at the hot new scientist they have recently hired.
17.20pm Hayley sees a bee flying near her desk and as she ducks to avoid it, hits her forehead on her photo of David Attenborough.
17.22pm Hayley goes home with mild concussion.
18.26pm Charlie walks out of her office and finds a pear drop in her coat pocket which she promptly eats.
Monday, 11 June 2007
Lost limbs and love
Charlie was mildly upset last night to find that the loss of the bottom half of one of her toes has resulted in a 7% loss in her coordination. Whilst this has not affected her day to day comings and goings, she found that her lambada has taken a serious downhill turn and has quit her dance lessons.
Richie, unaware of the dance lessons, has not been affected by Charlie's decision.
Louis, on the other hand, was last seen walking along the south bank tossing red roses into the water whilstling the Celine Dion classic 'Think Twice'.
Richie, unaware of the dance lessons, has not been affected by Charlie's decision.
Louis, on the other hand, was last seen walking along the south bank tossing red roses into the water whilstling the Celine Dion classic 'Think Twice'.
Thursday, 7 June 2007
J.B.Fletcher is an inspiration
Hayley decided that she had not been making the most of her days after having recently watched a particularly enlightening epidosde of 'Murder, She Wrote' entitled "Corned Beef & Carnage." This episode revealed some of Jessica Fletcher's lifestyle tips that have enabled her to persue such a vigorous writing career whilst maintaining an active social life.
Hayley has aspired to follow Fletcher's routine so aims to rise at 5.15am, undertake a brisk 2km walk followed by drinking 5 cups of coffee. Unfortunately this morning did not quite go to plan and Hayley was sent home after the fifth coffee for breaking five desk lamps as a result of her uncontrollable twitching.
Hayley has aspired to follow Fletcher's routine so aims to rise at 5.15am, undertake a brisk 2km walk followed by drinking 5 cups of coffee. Unfortunately this morning did not quite go to plan and Hayley was sent home after the fifth coffee for breaking five desk lamps as a result of her uncontrollable twitching.
Tuesday, 5 June 2007
Surf's up
I'm afraid to announce that whilst vacationing in Hawaii Charlie has lost the bottom half of her third toe on her left foot. The culprit was an overzealous turtle that was startled by the sunlight reflecting off Charlie's legs.
Luckily, the top half of her toe was found at the scene of the accident when Richie noticed a small child attempting to use said bit of toe as decoration for her sandcastle. It all goes to plan it will hopefully be reattaced later this evening.
Luckily, the top half of her toe was found at the scene of the accident when Richie noticed a small child attempting to use said bit of toe as decoration for her sandcastle. It all goes to plan it will hopefully be reattaced later this evening.
Ms. Brick turns quarter of a century!
Many felicitations to Ms. C. Brick for passing the 25 year milestone yesterday.
She would like to thank Charlie and Hayley for buying her a year long subscription to 'Nucleic Acids Research'. She is particularly pleased that they were just in time to take advantage of a special offer at the time of purchase so that she is also to receive the 'Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report (MMWR)' for free.
Tuesday mornings have never looked brighter for Ms. Brick.
She would like to thank Charlie and Hayley for buying her a year long subscription to 'Nucleic Acids Research'. She is particularly pleased that they were just in time to take advantage of a special offer at the time of purchase so that she is also to receive the 'Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report (MMWR)' for free.
Tuesday mornings have never looked brighter for Ms. Brick.
Friday, 1 June 2007
Big Brother
Both Hayley and Ms. Brick are a little disappointed to have not been selected for this years Big Brother.
Hayley thought that her impression of Steven Hawking in her audition video was uncanny and showed her natural flair for both comedy and science.
Ms. Brick opted for a more sexually charged audition video and showed the panel what she could do with a whole pork dinner. The judges were impressed with her ability to consume all but one stray roast potato in less than 10 secs.
Both now decided to audition for a new reality show entitled 'Your mum!'.
Hayley thought that her impression of Steven Hawking in her audition video was uncanny and showed her natural flair for both comedy and science.
Ms. Brick opted for a more sexually charged audition video and showed the panel what she could do with a whole pork dinner. The judges were impressed with her ability to consume all but one stray roast potato in less than 10 secs.
Both now decided to audition for a new reality show entitled 'Your mum!'.
Wednesday, 30 May 2007
Maximilian McMallions
Charlie undertook a spot of genealogy this bank holiday after her Aunt let it slip that there had been a ‘debacle’ in the McMallions family history.
Charlie was both dismayed and inspired to find that her great-great-great uncle Maximilian had been in the centre of the ‘Great Peanut Smuggle’ of 1852. Many trace the current popularity of the peanut in public houses back to this historic event.
Note 1: Maximilian was a handsome gentleman and is wearing a low-cut vest to allow for a good view of his fine white shirt. He also wears his hair long over the ears and you see the beginnings of the high frontal wave that become so popular in the early 1850's.
Note 2: The author would like to make it clear Maximilian's strong-featured wife was infertile and the current McMallions are descended from his second wife.
Charlie was both dismayed and inspired to find that her great-great-great uncle Maximilian had been in the centre of the ‘Great Peanut Smuggle’ of 1852. Many trace the current popularity of the peanut in public houses back to this historic event.
Note 1: Maximilian was a handsome gentleman and is wearing a low-cut vest to allow for a good view of his fine white shirt. He also wears his hair long over the ears and you see the beginnings of the high frontal wave that become so popular in the early 1850's.
Note 2: The author would like to make it clear Maximilian's strong-featured wife was infertile and the current McMallions are descended from his second wife.
Thursday, 24 May 2007
Hayley's released!
Hayley has finally been released from American Immigration Control and will be back in the welcome arms of her homeland this evening.
She became somewhat of a minor celebrity during her incarceration.
Taken from Boston Inmates May Newsletter
She became somewhat of a minor celebrity during her incarceration.
Taken from Boston Inmates May Newsletter
Wednesday, 23 May 2007
Richies new career
Charlie is a little concerned over the future of her relationship with Richie.
Richie has decided that he is going to 'follow his dreams'and become a film writer. His first script is a remake of Hitchcock's 'The Birds' but with guinea pigs replacing the aforementioned birds. He has agreed to not give up his current employment until he has finalised this crucial scene:
ACT 2: SCENE 4
TWO SHOT - CHARLOTTE AND OLIVER
OLIVER
I wonder if Jemma fed them.
He turns away from her, goes to the cupboard, opens the door, takes out a small box of guinea-pig feed.
CLOSE SHOT - THE CAGE
As his hand approaches the door. The guinea-pigs are watching him.
His hand hesitates. Then his thumb and forefinger lift the small catch on the cage door. His fingers open the door. Cautiously, in TIGHT CLOSEUP, his hand goes into the cage. The guinea-pigs sit and watch. One of them squeaks. He removes the small feeding tray, puts the guinea-pig feed into it, replaces it in the cage. The guinea-pigs hesitate another moment. Then, squeaking, they begin to eat.
Richie has decided that he is going to 'follow his dreams'and become a film writer. His first script is a remake of Hitchcock's 'The Birds' but with guinea pigs replacing the aforementioned birds. He has agreed to not give up his current employment until he has finalised this crucial scene:
ACT 2: SCENE 4
TWO SHOT - CHARLOTTE AND OLIVER
OLIVER
I wonder if Jemma fed them.
He turns away from her, goes to the cupboard, opens the door, takes out a small box of guinea-pig feed.
CLOSE SHOT - THE CAGE
As his hand approaches the door. The guinea-pigs are watching him.
His hand hesitates. Then his thumb and forefinger lift the small catch on the cage door. His fingers open the door. Cautiously, in TIGHT CLOSEUP, his hand goes into the cage. The guinea-pigs sit and watch. One of them squeaks. He removes the small feeding tray, puts the guinea-pig feed into it, replaces it in the cage. The guinea-pigs hesitate another moment. Then, squeaking, they begin to eat.
Tuesday, 22 May 2007
Graped
Charlie peeled 234 grapes last night trying to perfect a new recipe she has been working on.
Richie threw away 232 grape skins, two remain elusive. He thinks they may have slipped into the spam sandwich he was making himself at the same time.
Richie threw away 232 grape skins, two remain elusive. He thinks they may have slipped into the spam sandwich he was making himself at the same time.
Sunday, 20 May 2007
Hayley's front
It's been pretty quiet on the Hayley front and you may have been wondering, as have I, what the hell Hayley has been up to.
I can now tell you that she has spent the last few days as a guest of the American Immigration Control on the grounds of looking suspicious.
In fact, Hayley had been looking suspiciously....at a hotdog wondering whether it was worth the $1.99 and potential gastric disruption.
Hayley currently has, 'No Comment'.
I can now tell you that she has spent the last few days as a guest of the American Immigration Control on the grounds of looking suspicious.
In fact, Hayley had been looking suspiciously....at a hotdog wondering whether it was worth the $1.99 and potential gastric disruption.
Hayley currently has, 'No Comment'.
Pants
It would appear that Ms.C. Brick owns 134 items of black clothing, 56 pairs of pants, 45 ethnic necklaces and 1 extremely unflattering blue polka dot dress.
Friday, 18 May 2007
Lust across LDN
Charlie received a text late last night from her over-zealous lambada teacher, Louis.
It read 'I want to make forbideen dance wit you all nite."
She is in a conundrum...so close to perfecting her rock, recover, sailor side, backrock, recover, left, shuffle forward, yet unable to deal with Louis' burgeoning affections.
Meanwhile, on the other side of London Ms.Brick accidentally ate a whole brie.
It read 'I want to make forbideen dance wit you all nite."
She is in a conundrum...so close to perfecting her rock, recover, sailor side, backrock, recover, left, shuffle forward, yet unable to deal with Louis' burgeoning affections.
Meanwhile, on the other side of London Ms.Brick accidentally ate a whole brie.
Thursday, 17 May 2007
Wednesday, 16 May 2007
A brief interlude....
....to intoduce the indomitable Miss. C. Brick: a woman who will no doubt be unable to keep herself out of this story.
Potted history:
Claims she was the european under 5's netball champion until an accident in the under-6's lambada competition left her with poor to none hand-eye coordination.
Nobody is exactly sure where she's from as her accent is indecipherable. Along with her dancing. And cooking.
Likes: balding fops, cream
Dislikes: balding fops, half-fat cream
Potted history:
Claims she was the european under 5's netball champion until an accident in the under-6's lambada competition left her with poor to none hand-eye coordination.
Nobody is exactly sure where she's from as her accent is indecipherable. Along with her dancing. And cooking.
Likes: balding fops, cream
Dislikes: balding fops, half-fat cream
Tuesday, 15 May 2007
Hip's don't lie
Strangely, Charlie confided in me last night that she has been taking lambada lessons as a surprise for Richie. However, she is a little apprehensive about continuing lessons with Louis "My hips don't lie" Trocadero. He has been gyrating in her direction a little more than she's comfortable with. And she's finding it difficult to know where to look when faced with a man in hot pink, silk, sequined trousers.
All sports
Hayley and Billy undertook their first bout of training last night to become Cambridge's Lawn Association Ping-pong champions, the country's premier grass ping-pong club. They have been looking for the ideal sport over the last few months that would increase both their agility and mental stability. After a failed attempt at joining the local medieval jousting club and an unfathomable defeat in the first round of the Cherry Hinton lambada dance-off, they have now set their sites on winning the C.L.A.P.
Monday, 14 May 2007
Love Games
As the severe indigestion had somewhat dampned both Hayley and Charlies bedroom spirits over the last few days, it was deemed that a little quality time with their respective partners was both necessary and inevitable.
Whilst Hayley opted for a trip to Ann Summers where she would buy any item that caught Billy's eye, Charlie decided to treat Richie to a 'man-bag'. The tan over the shoulder number has been warmly received by his colleagues. Unfortunately for Hayley however, she became tangled in a particularly lacy thong, so the only thing that caught anyones eye was the rampant rabbit on her way crashing to the floor.
Whilst Hayley opted for a trip to Ann Summers where she would buy any item that caught Billy's eye, Charlie decided to treat Richie to a 'man-bag'. The tan over the shoulder number has been warmly received by his colleagues. Unfortunately for Hayley however, she became tangled in a particularly lacy thong, so the only thing that caught anyones eye was the rampant rabbit on her way crashing to the floor.
Friday, 11 May 2007
The repercussions
Charlie and Hayley have both been suffering from some severe bowel discomfort and unpredictability since eating large volumes of unnatural sphereical food (the tender scotch eggs for charlie and the polished edam for hayley).
This may have also added to their lack of enthusiasm for last nights bedroom antics.
This may have also added to their lack of enthusiasm for last nights bedroom antics.
Thursday, 10 May 2007
bedtime
Charlie had just finished buttoning up her nightie and had taken a sip of her hot ribena when richie suggested that they re-enacted the last scrum of the ireland-england grudge match he had recorded. Charlie told him to sod off.
Meanwhile in Cambridge, Billy was trying his best to get Hayley to act like a mystical troll so he could pull out his wand and vanquish her to the dark side. Hayley told him to sod off too.
Meanwhile in Cambridge, Billy was trying his best to get Hayley to act like a mystical troll so he could pull out his wand and vanquish her to the dark side. Hayley told him to sod off too.
hayley 1 - edam 0
Hayley ate a whole edam cheese last night. She pretended to her boyfriend that it had gone mouldy and had to throw half of it away.
She's now decided to never look at an edam again. Or even babybels.
She's now decided to never look at an edam again. Or even babybels.
charlie 1 - scotch eggs 0
Charlie told work yesterday that she was going to work from home.
In fact, the local shop was selling scotch eggs off in a special 3 for 2 offer. Charlie had calculated that she could consume 3 medium scotch eggs an hour and would therefore require at least 24 scotch eggs to get through her working day. They only came in packets of 10 so charlie was lucky enough to have 5 scotch eggs left over when she finished work (she had eaten an extra one over lunchtime as dessert).
She then made herself a scotch egg pasta bake for dinner.
In fact, the local shop was selling scotch eggs off in a special 3 for 2 offer. Charlie had calculated that she could consume 3 medium scotch eggs an hour and would therefore require at least 24 scotch eggs to get through her working day. They only came in packets of 10 so charlie was lucky enough to have 5 scotch eggs left over when she finished work (she had eaten an extra one over lunchtime as dessert).
She then made herself a scotch egg pasta bake for dinner.
Wednesday, 9 May 2007
this is fun
I'm very much enjoying have a public place where I can openly vent my feelings towards you two.
I'm also enjoying of trying to think up new things to say about you that everyone could read...
Hayley has to wear socks in the bath by law.
Charlie has knicker dyslexia so her knickers are always in a twist.
I'm also enjoying of trying to think up new things to say about you that everyone could read...
Hayley has to wear socks in the bath by law.
Charlie has knicker dyslexia so her knickers are always in a twist.
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