Maximilian McMallions

Charlie undertook a spot of genealogy this bank holiday after her Aunt let it slip that there had been a ‘debacle’ in the McMallions family history.

Charlie was both dismayed and inspired to find that her great-great-great uncle Maximilian had been in the centre of the ‘Great Peanut Smuggle’ of 1852. Many trace the current popularity of the peanut in public houses back to this historic event.



Note 1: Maximilian was a handsome gentleman and is wearing a low-cut vest to allow for a good view of his fine white shirt. He also wears his hair long over the ears and you see the beginnings of the high frontal wave that become so popular in the early 1850's.

Note 2: The author would like to make it clear Maximilian's strong-featured wife was infertile and the current McMallions are descended from his second wife.

Hayley's released!

Hayley has finally been released from American Immigration Control and will be back in the welcome arms of her homeland this evening.

She became somewhat of a minor celebrity during her incarceration.




Taken from Boston Inmates May Newsletter

Richies new career

Charlie is a little concerned over the future of her relationship with Richie.

Richie has decided that he is going to 'follow his dreams'and become a film writer. His first script is a remake of Hitchcock's 'The Birds' but with guinea pigs replacing the aforementioned birds. He has agreed to not give up his current employment until he has finalised this crucial scene:

ACT 2: SCENE 4
TWO SHOT - CHARLOTTE AND OLIVER

OLIVER
I wonder if Jemma fed them.

He turns away from her, goes to the cupboard, opens the door, takes out a small box of guinea-pig feed.

CLOSE SHOT - THE CAGE

As his hand approaches the door. The guinea-pigs are watching him.
His hand hesitates. Then his thumb and forefinger lift the small catch on the cage door. His fingers open the door. Cautiously, in TIGHT CLOSEUP, his hand goes into the cage. The guinea-pigs sit and watch. One of them squeaks. He removes the small feeding tray, puts the guinea-pig feed into it, replaces it in the cage. The guinea-pigs hesitate another moment. Then, squeaking, they begin to eat.

Graped

Charlie peeled 234 grapes last night trying to perfect a new recipe she has been working on.

Richie threw away 232 grape skins, two remain elusive. He thinks they may have slipped into the spam sandwich he was making himself at the same time.

Hayley's front

It's been pretty quiet on the Hayley front and you may have been wondering, as have I, what the hell Hayley has been up to.

I can now tell you that she has spent the last few days as a guest of the American Immigration Control on the grounds of looking suspicious.

In fact, Hayley had been looking suspiciously....at a hotdog wondering whether it was worth the $1.99 and potential gastric disruption.

Hayley currently has, 'No Comment'.

Pants

It would appear that Ms.C. Brick owns 134 items of black clothing, 56 pairs of pants, 45 ethnic necklaces and 1 extremely unflattering blue polka dot dress.

Lust across LDN

Charlie received a text late last night from her over-zealous lambada teacher, Louis.
It read 'I want to make forbideen dance wit you all nite."
She is in a conundrum...so close to perfecting her rock, recover, sailor side, backrock, recover, left, shuffle forward, yet unable to deal with Louis' burgeoning affections.

Meanwhile, on the other side of London Ms.Brick accidentally ate a whole brie.

Webbed love

Last night on her way back from work Hayley accidentally kissed a duck.

A brief interlude....

....to intoduce the indomitable Miss. C. Brick: a woman who will no doubt be unable to keep herself out of this story.

Potted history:
Claims she was the european under 5's netball champion until an accident in the under-6's lambada competition left her with poor to none hand-eye coordination.
Nobody is exactly sure where she's from as her accent is indecipherable. Along with her dancing. And cooking.

Likes: balding fops, cream
Dislikes: balding fops, half-fat cream

Hip's don't lie

Strangely, Charlie confided in me last night that she has been taking lambada lessons as a surprise for Richie. However, she is a little apprehensive about continuing lessons with Louis "My hips don't lie" Trocadero. He has been gyrating in her direction a little more than she's comfortable with. And she's finding it difficult to know where to look when faced with a man in hot pink, silk, sequined trousers.

All sports

Hayley and Billy undertook their first bout of training last night to become Cambridge's Lawn Association Ping-pong champions, the country's premier grass ping-pong club. They have been looking for the ideal sport over the last few months that would increase both their agility and mental stability. After a failed attempt at joining the local medieval jousting club and an unfathomable defeat in the first round of the Cherry Hinton lambada dance-off, they have now set their sites on winning the C.L.A.P.

Love Games

As the severe indigestion had somewhat dampned both Hayley and Charlies bedroom spirits over the last few days, it was deemed that a little quality time with their respective partners was both necessary and inevitable.

Whilst Hayley opted for a trip to Ann Summers where she would buy any item that caught Billy's eye, Charlie decided to treat Richie to a 'man-bag'. The tan over the shoulder number has been warmly received by his colleagues. Unfortunately for Hayley however, she became tangled in a particularly lacy thong, so the only thing that caught anyones eye was the rampant rabbit on her way crashing to the floor.

The repercussions

Charlie and Hayley have both been suffering from some severe bowel discomfort and unpredictability since eating large volumes of unnatural sphereical food (the tender scotch eggs for charlie and the polished edam for hayley).

This may have also added to their lack of enthusiasm for last nights bedroom antics.

bedtime

Charlie had just finished buttoning up her nightie and had taken a sip of her hot ribena when richie suggested that they re-enacted the last scrum of the ireland-england grudge match he had recorded. Charlie told him to sod off.

Meanwhile in Cambridge, Billy was trying his best to get Hayley to act like a mystical troll so he could pull out his wand and vanquish her to the dark side. Hayley told him to sod off too.

hayley 1 - edam 0

Hayley ate a whole edam cheese last night. She pretended to her boyfriend that it had gone mouldy and had to throw half of it away.

She's now decided to never look at an edam again. Or even babybels.

charlie 1 - scotch eggs 0

Charlie told work yesterday that she was going to work from home.

In fact, the local shop was selling scotch eggs off in a special 3 for 2 offer. Charlie had calculated that she could consume 3 medium scotch eggs an hour and would therefore require at least 24 scotch eggs to get through her working day. They only came in packets of 10 so charlie was lucky enough to have 5 scotch eggs left over when she finished work (she had eaten an extra one over lunchtime as dessert).

She then made herself a scotch egg pasta bake for dinner.

this is fun

I'm very much enjoying have a public place where I can openly vent my feelings towards you two.

I'm also enjoying of trying to think up new things to say about you that everyone could read...

Hayley has to wear socks in the bath by law.

Charlie has knicker dyslexia so her knickers are always in a twist.

H's rude

Hayley? Do you not like my blog?

Why haven't you posted me a comment?

You are rude.

you are idiots

HELLO CHARLIE AND HAYLEY

LOOK HOW EASY IT IS TO START A BLOG.

YOU TITS.

XXX