Latest updates

Charlie has still not been located.

Her close friend Ms. C. Brick swears that she recently saw a woman looking exactly like Charlie walking hand in hand with this man:

Ms. C. Brick believes this man to be the singer Meatloaf.

IMPORTANT: Please don’t be distressed by the comments that Charlie’s alleged kidnappers left. It was merely Richie trying to scam enough money to fly to LA to hawk his new script 'Police Academy 56: Mission to Iraq' (hilarity ensues).

Sightings

News has just reached me someone matching Charlie's description has been emitted to St. Thomas A & E with a case of severe cheese burn.

As soon as I have confirmation of the identity of this person I will let you know.

In the meantime I suggest we all say a little prayer. One can only imagine the horror that a stray piece of scolding mozzarella could cause to the Bottecellian complexion of Charlie.

Where's Charlie?

After the hundreds of emails complaining that Charlie's interview has not yet been posted I feel the time has come to reveal the truth behind this silence.

Charlie is a member of an elite 'hide and seek' club and was last seen shimmying slowly behind the Pizza Hut on Charing Cross Road during their monthly 'Extreme Urban Hide & Seek' game.

If anyone has any news on her whereabouts please contact someone important.

Artist's impression of Charlie.
Note: she may have cut her hair or be wearing clothes

Jimmy Savile

"Jimmy Savile is really getting on my tits"

Hayley Milez, 2007

Rat-arsed

Charlie is rat-arsed.

A deep and enlightening interview with Hayley

All references Hayley made to her minge have been removed by the author.

Fran: Morning Hayley

Hayley: Morning Fran

Fran: Hayley, I have a question, what was you most shocking childhood outfit?

Hayley: As you know, in my childhood I was a commited member of the cheylesmore physical culture club (CPCC / fat girl gym). In order to move my staves and clubs most effectively I would wear a high leg cut, plunge neck red leotard, white socks and white gymnastics pumps. Teamed with a neat bun. Once I had succeded in fighting off strong competition in the Novice category to win the trophy in 1991 I was upgraded to a blue leotard. (photos on request)

Fran: Interesting, so when was the last time you used a paperclip? and what for?

Hayley: Last weekend billy and I were discussing what part of his body he should have re-pierced in order to regain the memories of his youth and also make him feel more sexy as a man. I suggested the nipple but he wasnt sure. using the spare paperclip which had fallen into my bag during a heavy paperwork session at work, I fashioned a nipple ring and pinced it onto his left teat. He was very impressed with the look and has booked an appiontment at Fabio's tattoo and piercing parlour this coming week.

Fran: Interesting, so what is your opinion on cliff richard?

Hayley : Suspicious teeth. Terrible hair plugs.

Fran: Some people have referred to charlie as "a slutty mary poppins", would you say this is accurate and if not, how would you describe her?

Hayley: I tend towards favouring the description "alan partridge vs pet shop boys, a hardcore mix of leather, scotch eggs and sin". I would mention mary poppins only to emphasise the astounding nature of charlottes vocal range and pitch.

Fran: Thank you for your time Hayley.

Hayley: My pleasure

Hairy protest

Charlie has refused to remove any of her surplus body hair until Richie stops threatening to quit his job to become a film script writer.

Meanwhile, Ms. Brick and Hayley are near the end of a month long competition to grow as much body hair as possible. Ms. Brick's lupine roots have conferred something of an advantage.

Questions needed!

Dear Readers,

I expect some of you would like to know a little more about what makes Charlie and Hayley really tick, their thoughts on love and life and their favourite colour.

Well, you will be excited to know that Hayley and Charlie have granted me permission to a no holds barred interview with them!

Look out for the exciting transcript here later this week.

They have also agreed to answer questions from you, their loving and grateful public.

So email your burning questions to fran.humber@gmail.com

Hayley and Charlie have talent

Hayley and Charlie have been avidly watching "Britain's Got Talent", a programme that has caused mild riffs in both their relationships this last week.

They have been inspired to develop a comedy routine for the next series based on Hayley's hilarious impression of Stephen Hawking and Charlie's vocal range.

Unforunately, they have both been hit with severe writers' block and have only developed a rather poor and offensive sketch based on an opera class for people with severe learning and physical disabilities.

Nightie night

In a uncharactersitic 'bad turn' last night, Richie cut a hole in Charlie's favourite nightie.

The 'bad turn' is thought to have been caused after Charlie passed a rather curt comment on his lastest screen writing
efforts. She is not convinced that a thriller based on a turtle with a taste for human toes will have the audience on the edge of their seats.

Richie has since apologised sincerely and bought Charlie a replica 1850s hand sewn nightie.

Cereal fun

I was pretty exhausted after coordinating and executing the live blog feed on Tuesday so I spent the day relaxing by reading the back of cereal packets in my local supermarket.

Today, Hayley has informed that she has found her perfect wedding dress and hopes that a proposal is on its way as she fears that burgandy will soon be out of fashion.

A day in the life

Today we are going to do something very special - a live feed of updates on the progress on Charlie and Hayley's day. Apologies in advance for any technical hiccups, this is the first time this has ever been attempted, by anyone.

9.58am Charlie drinks cup of tea (milky)

10.13am Hayley dips her finger into the communal pot of honey in the staff kitchen

11.38am Charlie notices that she has a rather dubious looking stain on the front of her top. She believes it to be icing from the sticky bun she finished at 11.30am.

12.53pm Hayley dips her finger into the pot of honey for a second time but is caught by her boss.

14.12pm Charlie and Hayley have a chat over email about the merits of pop socks versus tights.

15.04pm Charlie eats 3 mini scotch eggs. Hayley eats a dead ant she found on her desk to see what it tastes like.

16.14pm Hayley sees an orange cat run across the courtyard.

16.17pm Charlie runs out of her office to look at the hot new scientist they have recently hired.

17.20pm Hayley sees a bee flying near her desk and as she ducks to avoid it, hits her forehead on her photo of David Attenborough.

17.22pm Hayley goes home with mild concussion.

18.26pm Charlie walks out of her office and finds a pear drop in her coat pocket which she promptly eats.

Lost limbs and love

Charlie was mildly upset last night to find that the loss of the bottom half of one of her toes has resulted in a 7% loss in her coordination. Whilst this has not affected her day to day comings and goings, she found that her lambada has taken a serious downhill turn and has quit her dance lessons.

Richie, unaware of the dance lessons, has not been affected by Charlie's decision.

Louis, on the other hand, was last seen walking along the south bank tossing red roses into the water whilstling the Celine Dion classic 'Think Twice'.

J.B.Fletcher is an inspiration

Hayley decided that she had not been making the most of her days after having recently watched a particularly enlightening epidosde of 'Murder, She Wrote' entitled "Corned Beef & Carnage." This episode revealed some of Jessica Fletcher's lifestyle tips that have enabled her to persue such a vigorous writing career whilst maintaining an active social life.

Hayley has aspired to follow Fletcher's routine so aims to rise at 5.15am, undertake a brisk 2km walk followed by drinking 5 cups of coffee. Unfortunately this morning did not quite go to plan and Hayley was sent home after the fifth coffee for breaking five desk lamps as a result of her uncontrollable twitching.

Surf's up

I'm afraid to announce that whilst vacationing in Hawaii Charlie has lost the bottom half of her third toe on her left foot. The culprit was an overzealous turtle that was startled by the sunlight reflecting off Charlie's legs.

Luckily, the top half of her toe was found at the scene of the accident when Richie noticed a small child attempting to use said bit of toe as decoration for her sandcastle. It all goes to plan it will hopefully be reattaced later this evening.

Ms. Brick turns quarter of a century!

Many felicitations to Ms. C. Brick for passing the 25 year milestone yesterday.

She would like to thank Charlie and Hayley for buying her a year long subscription to 'Nucleic Acids Research'. She is particularly pleased that they were just in time to take advantage of a special offer at the time of purchase so that she is also to receive the 'Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report (MMWR)' for free.

Tuesday mornings have never looked brighter for Ms. Brick.

Big Brother

Both Hayley and Ms. Brick are a little disappointed to have not been selected for this years Big Brother.

Hayley thought that her impression of Steven Hawking in her audition video was uncanny and showed her natural flair for both comedy and science.

Ms. Brick opted for a more sexually charged audition video and showed the panel what she could do with a whole pork dinner. The judges were impressed with her ability to consume all but one stray roast potato in less than 10 secs.

Both now decided to audition for a new reality show entitled 'Your mum!'.